BMP: Chapter 14

Chapter 14

“When Sunday came, I smiled.”

POV: Candice Regerett

Monday morning, and I have an hour of free time before my lessons pursue for the day, so I’ve decided to take a walk at Hesselborg Grounds. I am wearing another black dress, long sleeved, with a square cut. Somehow I feel guilty I haven’t worn any of the dresses Henri bought for me, when he took me shopping at Verseed.

Nevertheless, as customary, everyone in the Palace besides the guards and servants should wear black for the first forty days following the death of the Royalty.

I crossed the path of trees slowly but surely, in fear of getting sprained or ruining the dress. And before I was even in sight, I saw Prince James and Olivia, crossing the Hesselborg Bridge, with holding hands.

I stepped back involuntarily. For a while, I debated whether I should still continue my plan, or retreat instead. I don’t even know why the latter was a choice. But at that moment, I chose to run away.

The entire day, I couldn’t focus. I repeatedly went back to that moment at Hesselborg, and why the sight of Prince James and Olivia, together, made me feel intimidated. But it wasn’t just the sight of them together. It was the sight of Prince James with his fiancé, Olivia Reynolds.

Dinner that night was awkward. I mostly just retained to my food. Sometimes, Prince Adam would ask me a question and that’s it. But I managed not to glance at Prince James and Olivia.

I went to Kofoed’s foyer right after dinner, as agreed upon. I am learning piano today, from Prince James. And I cannot deny the fact that seeing him tonight gave me all the jitters inside. I strolled around for a few minutes, constantly checking if someone else is coming.

And then I saw a shadow, but it wasn’t the Prince. It was Gerardo, handing me a note from the Prince. It says:

Candice,

My apologies, for I can’t seem to make it tonight. We’ll start the piano lesson tomorrow night, after dinner. I’ll see you then.

James

I was disappointed. And I didn’t realize how much I’ve been looking forward for this night, until I felt the same weight of disappointment upon receiving the note.

When the next day came, Tuesday, I wasn’t that excited. I half expected to receive another letter from Prince James telling me that he will postpone that night as well. For whatever reason, I figured that my disappointment only led to pain, because that would explain the pang in my heart whenever I see Prince James. At dinner, I felt something changed. But I can’t point exactly what, except that I feel the pain. I feel the pain of the possibility that maybe Prince James is ignoring me. Maybe he doesn’t want to teach me piano after all. But I wonder why he couldn’t just tell me.

I was so nervous that he wouldn’t come that night, that when he did, it was all awkward. I noticed him not once looking into my eyes. The tone of his voice seemed stagnant. He was less talkative. I didn’t see him smile or laugh or make a joke or comment something funny. And the worst part is his expression was blank. It has been a long time since he masked his expression around me. I feel like meeting Prince James, once again, who is nothing but cold to me.

That night he just taught piano. That’s it. And I remember him saying, “I’ve decided to play Incandescence.”

“Incandescence?”

“It’s the song I have been writing, remember? I already added the violin arrangement, but before we go there, you have to learn the piano first.”

And that was it. No other side comments.

I thought of the possibility that maybe he was just tired, that nothing changed, and that it doesn’t matter. But I can’t bring myself to do just that. For whatever amount of walking I do around the Palace, and no matter how many books I read, I still cannot stop my heart from aching.

I was both confused and angry, but no matter how contrasting that is, I can’t seem to find it beautiful. That was my agony for the entire week.

I’d wake up in the morning feeling empty, but I’d get up anyway because I need to get to my lessons. Then I’d read New Moon but only for a few pages, because I seem to be escaping the words anyway. My mind was elsewhere.

I’d go down to dinner, only to feel hungrier afterwards.

Then I’d take a short walk before I head to Kofoed and rehearse by myself for a few minutes. When the Prince arrives, rehearsals would go on. That Saturday, though, he already took his violin, and I remember every stroke of his bow. I remember his exact image, with his violin propped in his shoulder, highlighting the music we play together.

When Sunday came, I was determined to move on. I was determined to shake off whatever foolishness I’ve felt that week. When Sunday came, I smiled.

A Royal designer arrived that day. She was a petite girl who has a darker skin, her hair an afro. But she wore an elegant dress. She was beautiful. And her accent was more British.

She asked me of ideas regarding the dress I should wear for Prince Adam’s birthday, which will be held next week, Friday. She suggested something bright, like red or electric blue, but I insisted a black dress. I described the dress I had in mind as detailed as I can.

“I want something black,” I said.

“But it’s the Prince’s birthday, my Lady. I do realize you have grown tired of wearing black already. Besides, Prince Adam wants you to stand out. He said so himself,” she reasoned.

“I will wear black, tight on the top, long sleeved.” She started to make a sketch.

“I want it drop waist but not too much, make it flowy, deep v-cut, and I wanted this,” I grabbed a spare paper, and started to make a sketch.

She gasped before smiling, “Yes, and match it with a classic bun hair do… It’s perfect!”

“I am a Prince for a reason.”

POV: Olivia Reynolds

“James?” I disturbed his thoughts. Like any of the previous nights, James had always made sure he’s there when I sleep. He was cupping me, sharing my bed at Lautsen Assembly. But he seemed distant. He hadn’t been listening to me.

“James!” I screeched. Finally, he loosened his gaze from the distant wall, and turned to me.

“Huh?” He rubbed the sides of my face, as if reminding me of his presence.

“Are you okay?” I asked, “You seem pretty occupied.”

He leaned on the pillows, bringing himself to a semi-sitting position. “No, I’m okay,” he said, but his tone speaks the opposite, and his eyes shows the contrary.

“Are you still worried about the Parliament meeting?”

He did share to me what happened in that meeting, and he seemed pretty embarrassed about it.

“What? No…” he said, sounding so weak.

“Then,” I sat up, staring down at him, “What’s been bothering you? You’ve been like this all week… and I fear that it’s getting worse day by day!”

He sat up as well. “Nothing is bothering me, Olivia!”

I have angered him, and it’s obvious by the emphasis of my name. But I am not worried, not at all, for not once was James mad at me. He loves me. And he swore to protect me. But I need to know what’s been triggering his differing behavior lately.

“Then why do I feel like we’re falling apart?” I threw at his face, “Our stay here in the Palace has caused us more damage than we thought!"

He scurried out of bed, and stood at a corner. He was silent for a moment.

“But I am here, Livy.” He turned around before continuing, “I am here. Don’t you see I’m trying? You’re right! The Palace has trashed us off but I told you that! I warned you, even before we decided to stay! And you said to me that you are willing to suffer if we are together!”

I thought of walking towards him, but his tone was something I’ve never heard from him before. It wasn’t just anger after all, it was rage. It’s heavier, and I don’t know if I can handle it.

Calmly, I replied, “I am willing to suffer if we are together, but this is breaking us apart. I mean, look at you! You’re mad at me!”

“I am not mad at you, Olivia! I just want you to understand! I mean I’m trying to keep us together, and it’s been so hard…That’s what’s bothering me!” His voice was fierce.

“Then let’s just go! The more we stay, the more we break apart. I mean, I barely get to see you! You’re always not around.” I suggested, and I know he wouldn’t budge. I have been repeating these words to him since after the first assessment.

“I can’t. You know we can’t. I can’t just leave, Olivia! Not now! I am not just your James now, I am the Crown Prince. You have to learn to share me, Olivia!” He was practically shouting, pacing around like a dog.

“But what if I lose you completely?” I feel the wetness in my eyes, dripping down my face like a faucet out of control.

I expected him to crouch near me, hug me tenderly while whispering in my ear that it’s going to be okay. That’s what he always does anyway, when I cry.

But his expression didn’t change, in fact, it worsened, “Please Olivia! Just get yourself together! I need you to be strong. I need you to be the girl who said to me she’s willing to suffer for only to be with me. You said to me once, my responsibility is here, and I thought we are going to walk through all of this together! I need you not to cry Olivia. I need you not to give up. You have to stop that attitude. This isn’t Aberdeen. This is the Palace, Livy. This is Wolland. You are not supposed to show weakness. If you are to be the Princess, the people must see you capable, and I thought the Palace would change your –

He stopped.

“My what?”

“Olivia, you are a quitter, you know that? You quit. You always have these visions, these plans, these goals you wanted to achieve, but when you get to the achieving part, you quit. And no matter how I encourage you to go forward, you cry, and you expect me always to be there! I am so tired of wiping away your tears when it doesn’t stop there!”

“You haven’t told me this before, James,” I wiped my tears, and struggled to stand up, “How long have you been keeping this? How long do you see me weak? I thought you said you would protect me? You always said you enjoy protecting me, that it’s your responsibility, isn’t that why you love me? I am not Candice Regerett, James. I am not smart. I am not fit for the Palace. You told me I can leave everything to you, and it’s a homerun for us. Are you saying you’re going to drop me off along the way?”

He didn’t reply, he was just looking at me with guilt.

 “This is exactly what I’m talking about… All of this is ruining us, can’t you see? Let’s just leave this place,” I suggested again.

“What makes Candice smart isn’t inborn, Olivia. And I can’t,” he said, sounding defeated, “God knows how I’m trying to fix things, Olivia. But I can’t do it alone. I need you to do your part as well. Fight with me. Don’t just see the road and quit. I need you to show me you can be with me here, because I will not leave. I am a Prince for a reason.”

“Since when did you want to be the Crown Prince, as far as I can remember, you’re a quitter too! Has Candice made a way to reverse your runaway as brave?” I shouted at his face.

“Brave or not, it still is the reason why I’m staying. And why are you bringing up Candice in this? If we both quit, it won’t bring us anywhere! I will no longer idle around. I thought you thought the same…”

I did. I remember telling him before,

“I always admired you for that sense of obligation, and responsibility, how protective you are. It is in your blood, James, to lead. And if you are going to escape responsibility once more, I wonder why I fell for you in the first place.”

Maybe he’s right. Maybe I am a quitter, for I am not longer capable of seeing that same view.

Those were his last words, before he left my room, leaving me heartbroken, but at the same time, leaving me slight guilty and fuming in rage.

“You had the courage none has had for a very long time.”

POV: James Bret Nikolai Ravn Østergaard

I left Olivia’s room feeling like I was shot, and the bullet just got pulled out. It’s both painful and relieving at the same time. It was painful because I’ve never felt so guilty in my entire life. Olivia’s words hunted me as I made my way to Lautsen Garden.

“How long do you see me weak? I thought you said you would protect me? You always said you enjoy protecting me, that it’s your responsibility, isn’t that why you love me?”

I do love her still, that I’m sure. But I can honestly say that I love Candice too. And I’ve been so guilty and confused that I have been ignoring Candice for the past week. I thought it would do me good. I thought I’m saving myself. I thought I’m saving my relationship with Olivia. But it’s going far from that when I couldn’t even think right, because every time I’m with Olivia, I’m thinking of Candice. And the more I do, the more it burns my soul.

“You told me I can leave everything to you, and it’s a homerun for us. Are you saying you’re going to drop me off along the way?”

Homerun. I did say that once, only to make her feel at ease. I told her to depend on me, like she always does. But now I ask myself, why is the mere reason that attracts me to her, that sense of responsibility I had for her, feel like the same reason that has been suffocating me? I was all of a sudden tired. Not because I don’t care for Olivia anymore, but because I wanted to cry too. I feel so confused the past week, I wanted to cry too. I want to depend on somebody too. I want to know that somebody is there to wipe away my tears, just as I’ve been to Olivia. I want to be able to lean on somebody too, on the bad days. I want to talk to somebody who can calm my mind. I want Olivia to be that, but how can she wipe my tears away if she’s crying too? How can she encourage me, when she’s giving up as well? How will she push me, if she’s pulling me down instead? How can she, be like Candice to me?

At the same time, telling Olivia the truth that I didn’t even know existed until recently was relieving. I feel renewed. I feel open. I feel that those words weren’t meant for her, but to myself. It was a realization for me. And trying to mend our relationship, ended up mending my own self.

But it was the first time I answered her back that way. It was our first argument. It was the first time she cried that I didn’t wipe away the tears in her eyes.

I reached the same bench from Lautsen Garden that I sat on with Candice a week ago, with hopes that maybe, sitting there would bring the same effect as if sitting with Candice.

But suddenly, I saw Candice, approaching me. She was looking at the night sky while walking. If things were casual, I would have said something to her that instant. But she wasn’t seeing me. So when she leveled her stare to my direction, she jerked.

She took a bow, “Your Highness…”

Her voice was low. Actually, she sounded sluggish, as she had always been lately. She must have noticed me avoiding her. I haven’t even seen her smile, not once, for the past week. She looked very formal, the look she had before we became friends.

She turned around and was already walking away, when I called, “Wait!”

She faced me.

“Take a seat with me,” I offered, patting the bench seat.

She remained frozen for a while, but motioned to take a seat beside me anyway.

“Have you been rehearsing?” I asked.

I was waiting for her reply, but she only nodded.

When I turned away, I shared, “Olivia and I fought today,” I paused to glance at her, “And we never fight.”

She was completely silent, that I wonder if she even heard me.

“Hey,” I said, “Say something.”

She looked at me, but instantly brushed away.

“You are supposed to help me, right? That’s the reason why you’re at the Palace, remember? So spare me your thoughts.”

By that, she finally replied.

“Do you know what the greatest invention was?” She asked.

I shrugged, “Hmm… Electricity? Telephone? Ah, Internet!” I laughed softly, but she didn’t seem to notice it.

“Fire,” she said, “It started it all.”

“Fire…” I repeated.

“To make fire,” she said, “You need friction. At least that’s how it began.”

She looked at me, but I didn’t say anything, knowing that there’s a continuation. If I knew Candice right, this is her word of wisdom.

“Sometimes,” she continued, “You need friction to see the light.”

You need friction to see the light.

I reflected. Light. Light. Light.

I laughed loudly, and when I looked at her, her forehead wrinkled.

“Oh Candice! You are so…” I paused to search for the perfect word. I first thought of clever, then funny, but in the end, I said, “Beautiful.”

You see things beautiful with people you love, I thought instantly, but she didn’t seem to put weight on my notion.

“Candice?” I called, wanting to hear her every opinion, “Do you think loving two persons at the same time is possible?”

She thought for a while, before answering, “Yes, but not the same weight.”

I waited for more.

“Well?” I asked, “That’s it? No symbolisms?”

Finally, she laughed.

“Give me a second,” she said, thinking, “Imagine getting two suits, and you admire them both. One that is black, one that is red. Which one would you wear?”

“Hmm… Perhaps the black, because red seems too much.”

“Exactly.”

“How do I know which one is black, then?” I asked, not seeming to understand the direction of Candice’s words.

“You don’t,” she said, “But you chose black, did you? You chose black because it’s in that color, because you wouldn’t wear red. Even though you admire them both, you cannot love them the same weight because they’re not the same. There’s always a difference between the two, that will help you decide which to wear, which in this case, is the color.”

That’s the Candice I know, making me smile. She is truly remarkable. Her words are so symbolic I don’t even know where she gets it from.

I sighed, “I really admire your strength, Candice. Sometimes, I wish Olivia can be like you.”

“Olivia has strength, Your Highness,” she replied, and I looked at her with questioning eyes.

“Maybe, but how can I see that if she’s always depending on me?”

“Maybe, because you let her,” she answered quickly. “Olivia has strength, Prince, only it is hidden. Her dependence of you shields that strength.”

So I was preventing her? I have overprotected her?

“Oh boy!” I said, stretching, “I cannot wait to see the looks of the Parties’ faces inside the Debate Chamber when they hear you talk.” I laughed, feeling so proud of her.

She looked at me, puzzled.

“I asked Grandmother, and she said yes!” I announced, excitedly.

Candice only smiled.

Silence.

“Forty days is coming,” I whispered mostly to myself.

But of course, she heard. “Maybe I’ll wear red the day after. Or is that a little too much?” She laughed, bringing up the suit topic a while ago.

I laughed along, and finally, I felt the burden in my heart disappear instantly. I am laughing with Candice, and I am happy. I am content. I am proud. I am in love. And I wondered then, if maybe Candice was the black suit.

“Afterwards, we only have less than two months, before all of this goes away,” I noted.

I glanced at her, only to find her laughter gone, exchanged with the looks of worry.

“Where will you go then?” I asked, and instantly my heart sank.

Where will Candice go?

When can I see her again?

Will I see her again?

 She looked like she was weighing options.

“Where will you go if your Father never welcomes you back home?” She jolted, and I remember the time when I witnessed the conversation she had with her Father.

It seemed so distant ago.

“Home? The Palace is your home now, dear darling. There is no more home after this. Don’t expect me to welcome you back if ever you fail this. So you better double check your standing,” he said.

Suddenly, Candice’s face cleared as if realizing that she knew I witnessed it all.

“Away from Wolland, probably,” her stare was directed from afar.

Away from Wolland?

Away from me?

“Where?” I pushed.

“I haven’t figured it out,” she said, “I guess I didn’t just come here to help you, Prince. Maybe I am here to help myself too. Maybe it’s time. Maybe it’s time to find myself. I will go to Asia, I don’t know where in Asia, but Asia. I guess that’s what the three months time is for me.”

Of course, I thought. She’s going to find her real family.

But somehow, thinking of Candice gone for good made me want to leave the Palace again.

Am I only staying because of Candice? What if the love I wanted to exist inside the Palace isn’t from Olivia, but Candice?

But before anything else, will Candice’s Father really throw her out? She may not be his daughter biologically, but he was the one who raised her. I thought then if a parent can really do such thing, then that parent is not worthy to be anything. I imagined seeing the Prime Minister’s face, which I cannot feel comfortable with, and thought of the possibility of living with him, and having him push me around. I would have run away years ago, and I wouldn’t have gone back.

“How is your Father like, Candice?” I asked.

“Scary,” she said, “Honorable but scary.”

“I can see that,” I commented, “So, you are scared of him?”

She nodded.

“Have you told him?” I inquired, sounding like a child who never runs out of questions to ask.

“I think he already knows. And I think that’s how he meant it to be,” she answered, her voice back to being sluggish.

“Does he scold you a lot? Would he always say hurtful things to you?”

She nodded, again.

“That’s horrible! I am surprised you haven’t left his side…”

“I’ve thought about it,” she said, her voice garnering back power, “But every time I face before him, I stumble.”

“Besides,” she added, “I feel obligated to make him proud. He wouldn’t say it, but sometimes I feel it when I do something right. And running away would anger him, that I have defied him.”

“Does your Father know the entirety of the Queen’s terms in all of this?” I asked.

She looked in to my eyes then, and nodded, “Of course.”

“But siding with me, isn’t that the same as defying your Father?”

“I told you,” she said, “Not if you’re going to be a great King.”

“Why are you helping me, Candice? Why exactly? You could have done the otherwise,” I pursued the topic.

“I told you. I admire your courage,” she paused, standing up from the bench where we had been talking for who knows how long, “Sometimes, we need to see from those who ran away who came back, because then that person chose to be here, not because he was born here. You had the courage none has had for a very long time.”